Monday, February 06, 2006

The Dreaded Four Words

Here is the first excerpt from the chapter "How Being Just Friends Is a Waste of Time." How would you respond? The authors' response will be posted Tuesday morning.

I recently went out with this girl from work. We just went for coffee first, the second time to a singles event. I called her up for something more date-ish like dinner and a movie, and she hit me with the “let’s just be friends” line. Does this mean it’s all over? Couldn’t she be just wanting to take it slow? I say this because she called me a few days later just to talk. She’s too hard to read if she has any interest in dating me. What am I allowed to do as “just friends"? How do I get to know this girl and she me without wasting my time? The few times I brought it up she just avoided the subject. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!

Babble of the Sexes

A Public Rant About Desperate Dating Habits
and the Opposite Sex

February 10, 7 p.m.

Hosted by the witty (and bordering on irreverent) Hayley and Michael DiMarco, best-selling authors of the book "Marriable- Taking the Desperate Out of Dating"

Topics include-

-Shut Up and Be Mysterious
-Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last
-Desperate Lies Women Tell Themselves
-How Being 'Just Friends' Is a Waste of Time
-a lively (and anonymous) Q & A time

Share February 10th at 7 p.m. with your closest single friends and
let Hayley and Michael put you in a festive mood on Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.).

Sponsored by Ninth and O Baptist Church and Hungry Planet
Location: Ninth and O Baptist Church, 4401 Breckenridge LN, Louisville, 40218


ckhnat said...

perhaps his first problem is his Star Wars obsession.

G. F. McDowell said...

He seems to be suffering from a case of being a guy. When I have been interested in a girl, I interpreted every sign as proof of her interest. That has left me saying "d'oh" a time or two.

Rabby said...

An I'll say this an I'll speak it plain: seems to me he's a sissy. An he's lettin' this girl push him around an all. Cuz he wouldn't a asked the qwestion if'n he wanted to be frends so he obvios, obv, obvio -- you can tell he wants to be her boy, not her buddy. If'n he wuz like her -- that's to say, "If'n he wanted to be frends too" then there would a been no problem an he wouldn't a asked the qwestion. An he wouldn't be wonderin' if'n she might be wantin' more.
But since he is all confused, it's becuz he ain't gettin' wut he wants from this girl. An wut he wants is somethin' she done toll him she don't want. So he is buyin' some ocean front property in the dessert if'n he thinks he ain't gonna git squashed like a bug in the end.

Bobby said...

Yeah, I think the basic thing the bunny is trying to say is that the problem is this: the guy obviously doesn't want to be friends with the girl or he wouldn't have asked this question. He wants to date her, and therefore, he himself has said he fears he is going to be "wasting his time" by getting to know her unless he can figure out for sure that it will lead to something other than friendship.

So is he wasting his time? Probably, because she has clearly told him she only wants to be friends.

Allie Riedy said...

I don't think being just friends is a waste of time at all. What's a waste is beginning a relationship based only on romance and butterflies. It won't last, especially in marriage. You need to be able to be best friends with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse so that you can get through the tough times.
I'm a fan of building a solid friendship before dating.

Tmproff said...

Well I just got hit with the "I Just want to be friends line" and I told her that I have feelings for her and I didn't think it would be possible for me to just be friends because I would be living a lie. She thought about it and told me that she understoond and we started dating.

Some people thing dating is a time to get to know someone. Others thing that you need to know someone before you start dating. Both are feasible, you just have to have good communication between both to understand where your foundations lie.

ckhnat said...

THIS is exactly what I was looking for ... wow! thank you for your input. I'm glad they posted this chapter of the book online because it appears to me the most controversial ... especially among the zany world of Christian dating/courtship (whatever).

I was talking to a "close friend" this morning and she really put it to me. She knows I'm close friends with a few guys, and she was wondering how this all applies in my own life. What?! Am i not allowed to be friends with them?

They in no way take the place of my girlfriends. I don't dump my emotional troubles on them (and i try not to to my girlfriends, but sometimes you need an outlet, you know?) ... actually, we sort of get different perspectives from each other. "I'm a girl, when I do this how do you perceive it?" ... that sort of thing.


"Are you kidding me? Tell me you didn't really say that! This is probably what she thought of what you said and did."

I pray for these guys daily and pray that the Lord continues to grow them and prepare them for their future wives. Some are a bit impatient and are tempted to give up alltogether. There aren't any girls!

My answer:

Move to Des Moines ... okay, maybe not there ... but I hear Seattle is nice.

And don't get me wrong ... I've definitely succumbed to the "oh, i'm totally falling for my friend" deal before ... is it possible to put those feelings aside and maintain that friendship without expecting him to fall for me? i'm willing to prove it's possible. but my "close friend" thinks it's self-destructive.

Whether you agree or disagree with Hayley and Michael, come to The Babble ... at least at the Q&A you can stick it to them ... maybe they can clarify their views a bit more.

ckhnat said...

and guys ... before you "give up" like some of my friends are tempted to do ... you know that girls are generally relationships-oriented ... don't you know that there's going to be a lot of girls there?!! i've got at least one friend who's going for that very reason ... that's where the girls are!

okay ... maybe that's not his reason ...

the authors said...

Re: “The dreaded four words”
Oh, young Jedi, you are truly being tested by the Dark Side. When someone, anyone, says “let’s just be friends,” it’s over. Besides, in your case it sounds like it didn’t even get started. Sure, you had a couple casual activities with this girl, but when you suggested something “date-ish,” she was kind enough to let you know you had no chance. Instead of torturing this girl who had your heart in mind when she said “no chance,” let her be and move on. As for her phone calls, if they persist, be polite, keep them to less than three minutes, and interrupt the conversations to run to the things you’re “running late for” that day. She’ll get the hint that you’re not looking for more friends or desperate enough to hang out with her since you can’t find any more prospects. And don’t romanticize that she’ll be even more drawn to you when you “play hard to get.” That’s just Desperate Vader talking … and he’s not your father.

G. F. McDowell said...

beginning a relationship based only on romance and butterflies

Butterflies!! That's what I've been doing wrong!! No Butterflies!!

Beth said...

beginning a relationship based only on romance and butterflies

Better than it starting with a stench and horseflies! lol

Jason said...

Hey, you never know... she could turn out to be your long lost sister or something. Then you'll be glad you never kissed, although it'll still be a little weird knowing that you had a crush on her. ewwwwww

bethy31 said...

Ok, it's really hard to say "This is what a guy or girl is thinking.." because I clearly do not know what other people are thinking, even if they are within my gender. Even though I've got a fair amount of discernment, there are times I totally miss the mark. I've spent three or four years counseling young women (and several years being a young woman) and I can tell you clearly that reactions are very diverse in these situations.

The only thing I can do about this scenario is put myself in her spot..what if this was me? If I said I wanted to just be friends and called you, I would be calling you as a friend. If you told me outright you wanted to date and not 'just be friends', I would try to not call you. However, sometimes there is this side of me that needs attention and I may call you because I need attention and I know you like me (horribly manipulative but unfortunately true at points). That's my two cents...ifuns it was me.

mike said...

Nice conference thing... if I had been there I would have struck up a conversation with the hottest chick in the room, you...