by Cheryl Lavin
printed in the Chicago Tribune, April 23, 200
1. If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
2. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
4. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
7. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.
8. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
9. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
11. It's neither in your best interest nor ours to take any quiz together.
12. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16. Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.