Monday, September 05, 2005

i don't want to be a princess anymore ... sniff sniff



I admit it. I'm a closet romantic cracking the door open to see if it's safe to come out. I'm not convinced yet. But movies like Roman Holiday don't help much.

I remember it was about three years ago that I saw Roman Holiday for the first time. It was just before Dolly and I would take our own "Roman Holiday."

There we sat ... two young woman with the worst reputations of extreme independence ever known to Pensacola Christian College. Guys knew that the only chance of making our acquaintance was if they had very good credentials and references. And only then were they allowed to be friends ... never more. We had a certain distrust for their gender, having been witnesses of too many examples of stupidity and blatant disregard for decency. She and I were self-sufficient, content in our little worlds in which there was no room for men (except, of course, our jolly art comrads).

Rarely would you see us stand by and wait for a guy to open a door for us ... as if we had the time! No date for the next cultural event ? ... who cared! Our girlfriends were good enough for us.

"No, that's okay. I don't need help carrying my bookbag, canvas, art box, and portfolio. I'm certainly capable of managing on my own."

We didn't hate men ... we just had very little patience for them.

So, there we sat, she and I, the spokeswomen for "anything he can do, I can do better," ... wide-eyed ... leaning forward ... lips quivering ... then *gasp*

"She didn't come back!" we sobbed.

Here, both of us had fallen in love with Gregory Peck and with the story of a princess who would leave it all behind for a man she'd only known for twenty-four hours. But when the press conference ended, and the princess, Audrey Hepburn, left the room ... there he stood ... waiting ... knowing that she would come back out just to see him. He waited ... then he turned and walked slowly away, but still with a slight smile, as if knowing ... she'll be out soon. But she didn't ... she didn't come ...

"I don't want to be a princess anymore ... whaaaa!" we wailed.

That's not the way it was supposed to end. Wasn't she supposed to forsake her duties to her country, leaving behind her parents, the king and queen, disregarding the good faith of her people, and run into the arms of this rugged, poor newspaper reporter ... all for the sake of LOVE?!! Well, of course she made the right decision. But Dolly and I realized that we never want to be in the place where we would have make such a choice ... which meant giving up our hopes of one day being restored to our true positions as royal highnesses in some obscure European nation.

ha ha. Now there's a glimpse of us that VERY FEW ever got to see. Christine Hnat ... a romantic? Please. You're joking, right?

I wonder how it all happened that I decided to let people think that I was beyond the need for love. When did I begin convincing others that i believed that logic was enough to sustain a healthy lifestyle, ignoring the need for vulnerability? But a life of logic is a very lonely one, indeed.

My attitude towards men still needs adjustment. I struggle with allowing men to open doors for me. A part of me still thinks that it's silly ... I can open it myself ... it would be just as easy for me to open it. But my inner romanitc screams for me to step aside, enjoy this expression of chivalry, let men be MEN.

This concepts shakes me to the core.

Let men be men. It's an interesting idea for an experiment. Oh, not on the men ... but for myself. Can I do it? And can I allow myself to be a woman who embraces her romantic, vulnerable side? Why do I fear this? Why does it shake me so?

6 comments:

charis said...

Christine,

He knows we are dust. Right? What a relief.

I wonder if this even is applicable:
Tonight, I was talking to a friend and at some point, we were talking about God's call to the unbeliever--how it's not a call to change ourselves, by ourselves. A call to somehow make ourselves more presentable. No. Its a call to a relationship. He desires us! What a relief. What a relief that the impossible isn't expected of us. God speaks, it is Christ in us at that moment of conversion and ever after, Who gives the ablity, the desire, to walk this walk.

And now, He sees the walls, or fear, or doubt we cloak ourselves in. But He's calling us out. Can we breathe on the outside of our fortress, we wonder? He offers the strength to step out. This is once again impossible on our own, just as it ever was.

In our two situations, may God come out of any box, big or small, that we've put Him in. Free to be glorified in our lives.

I have felt almost like a broken record to God. My doubt, frustration, faulterings, followed up with a sort of sad "But I know You are God. You can do anything. Show me what Your purpose is. Help me!" And somehow, the world is revolving around ME. It is MY story I am concerned with.

At the large Bible study I go to the speaker Louie Giglio told us in a series that God is more concerned with HIS story.

God, show us how to honor You in Your story. This means some changes for us. You may be bringing some walls down to pull us into more light. Ultimately it's for You and Your glory, Your story.

Heard this one?--
You are my Rock, the One I hold to.
You are my Song, and I sing to You.
And everything You hold in Your hands, still You make time for me,
I can't understand.
Praise You God, of earth and sky,
How beautiful is Your unfailing love, unfailing love.
And You never change, God, You remain the Holy One
And my unfailing Love. [chris tomlin's cd Arriving].

How undeserving we are of His love, attention, time. But He has chosen to give it! May we be spurred by this thought.

Christine, God is working. And He will not show you a general weakness with out giving the grace for the specifics. Maybe, as we decidedly rest in God more, fear of exposure, dread of possible hurt will dim.

yikes! what a jumble of thoughts. you're a patient girl. :) thanks for listening to this randomness.

Thank you so much for the prayers. God is using you, and I am blessed!

Charis

adelphos said...

Whatever happened to beautiful princesses in Hollywood like Audrey Hepburn? Why are they all just harlots now? Our times certainly change and the independent spirit really brought us a long way. Chivalry is not such a bad thing and neither is vulnerability or, dare I say, dependence. Sure, in Roman Holiday, Audrey looks somewhat independent, but one can only be a princess because of a bloodline. This is a dependence on having the correct parents. We are all dependent on something or someone I suppose. One must choose wisely to whom to trust their weaknesses and I can see you, Christine, have chosen well. Except, somehow, you didn't choose at all, but, indeed, you were chosen.

Kristin said...

Christine- You are such a good writer! I am glad you posted on mine b/c it gives me the chance to read your latest blog. I think that so many women are fed the idea that if we let a guy do something, we are weaker than they are. I am really excited about the book you are writing because it is so needed! Christian women need to be shown how to be women. If we want men to be men, we have to step aside and be women. Let them open that door- of course we can do it ourself, that's not hte point. Like you said- "step aside, enjoy this expression of chivalry, let men be MEN."
Thanks for the good words!
Kristin

Kristin said...

Can I link this entry from my blog?

ckhnat said...

Kristin,

I would be honored.

dolly (former man-eater) said...

my boyfriend has told me more than once that he loves how feminine i am.

"the more you act like a woman, the more i feel like a man," he always tells me.

i think that's important in this day and age.

of course, i have never really struggled with wanting to be girly (my goodness, it's just so stinkin' fun), but of course, there is the struggle of being vulnerable. i didn't trust men. i had no reason to. other than my dad, i had known very few men that could make any kind of good lasting impression on me.

for women like us putting our trust in a man requires some serious thought and hard work. it also requires men of great character which seem few and far between. we both have our roles to play.

i think women today make a huge mistake in thinking for one moment that by being a woman they are somehow weaker or worthless. quite the contrary, if they would start doing what they were intended to, they would find that they have true purpose.

God has created all men and women equal......equal, but very very different, with different roles to fulfill.

i absolutely thrive on supporting my boyfriend, encouraging him, making him feel special, and letting him take the lead in our relationship. my seven months with him have not made me feel worthless, but rather, extremely valuable with a specific purpose. it has been a huge eye-opener to realize what a woman's love can do for a man, and it has been a privelege to me that i have had the opportunity to stand behind someone else.

it has been an adjustment, mind you. as you well know, i had become very used to taking care of myself.

but although it was an adjustment, it wasn't ever really a difficult transition. love has a way of changing people. my dear stine, you needn't worry for a moment. when you fall in love, you'll know what to do, and how to act. i have no doubt that you will fulfill your role as a christian woman should.

listen, everybody knows if dolly can manage to actually have a boyfriend who adores her just as she is, fall in love, and even be willing to give up some independence and selfish dreams.....well, then hey, there is hope for every single woman out there!