Wednesday, October 04, 2006

the games we play

Is a woman making herself attractive a way of visually tempting her own husband? Is it manipulation? Or is it a way of expressing her love? Well, gentlemen?

Or ... is it manipulating the way many women set rules of play on their relationships? I will only do this, if you treat me like that. We can do this, but that is out of the question. We string them along expecting them to jump through hoops. Changing the rules of play at each twist and turn.

We try to live out a fairytale in our minds in which a knight slays some random dragon or climbs some impossible height for us so that he can *prove* his love ... and then we pout, "But you didn't bring me any flowers back!" We always have them guessing ... a way of exerting power over them ... and then wail our eyes out when they fail to understand our cryptic code.

Wake up! In a relationship there are TWO people involved. ... no SCRATCH THAT ... three, if Jesus Christ is to be the center of your love. It's give and take, ladies and gentleman ... learn to speak the language the other person needs in order to feel loved. Learn to communicate how you desire your significant other to relate to you in a loving manner. Be specific. If your man needs to hear the words, "I love you" but to you that seems like it's not enough. Say it anyway. Express that one statement in a multitude of ways so that he can hear and be affirmed in your love. It is the language he understands. Stop playing games. Communicate and don't hide the answer key.

18 comments:

mark said...

A hearty 'Amen!' to that one!! & the timing is inline with something I thought about this weekend: "I don't 'suck' because I don't meet her expectations. If I don't meet them, that says more about her than me. & If she's rather keep ahold of her expectations, then let her go."
That game-playing is the good-ol' selfish part trying to "get what it wants".. & anytime that's involved between 2 ppl, it's always ugly. Always comes back to crucifying the flesh.

Jim the 3rd said...

A woman who makes herself attractive is showing self-respect. Same as a guy who works out. In both cases, they feel they can aspire to the universal ideal of a woman (beautiful) or man (strong). It's not necessarily about the opposite sex; little girls who avoid little boys still dress up, little boys who avoid little girls still wrestle. It is a deeper part of our nature, one that parallels the invisible spiritual world. (In case you're wondering, yeah, I did read a book about this.)

However, there is a balance to this, like everything. Some people get discouraged because they aren't beautiful or strong, while others think they are the most beautiful or the strongest.

The trick is to be content (dare I say happy?) about the way God made you, while still aspiring to those ideals, which I believe are God-ordained, although not always physical.

ckhnat said...

Amy has some fabulous thoughts on contentment!

Chris said...

Can I suggest that we step back from the debate and start over? I just read an article that puts this all in perspective a bit, and thought I should share it here.

Angus said...

Excellent post Christine :)

It's awesome when couples are mature enough to say to each other 'I'm feeling down and I'd really like affection and affirmation'. It shows that they trust each other.

Of course, it's even more awesome when they pick up on your need for affection without you even saying anything :)

CraigS said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bobby said...

I think I speak for all the guys I know when I say that when our women make themselves look nice for us, we very much appreciate it.

And yeah, it's best to learn your significant other's "love language." Many times, we give what we want to receive, not realizing that the other person is different.

I would much rather be given a CD than flowers, for instance. But most girls I've known and dated, while they may think a particular CD is cool, would rather receive flowers as a surprise.

ckhnat said...

good point, bobby. for instance, for me ... i'd much rather receive a cd than flowers. a cd says so much more to me ... whereas, flowers ... they're nice while they last but i'm not particularly fond of them when they die (hopefully that doesn't represent our relationship!). Thus, Michael mailed me a bouquet of green plastic flowers that ought to last through a nuclear holocost.

ckhnat said...

Is Feminine Beauty Dangerous?

CraigS said...

I thought the following was intersting -

a great deal of her attractiveness comes from laughing eyes and a generous smile. She is a pleasure not just to look at but to be with, for she shares herself liberally.

So true...

bert said...

Have you ever read either of these two books? "Secret Keeper- The Delicate Power of Modesty" and "Christian Modesty and the Public Undressing of America". Just wondering.

Catherine said...

I don't get the controversy over all the recent posts, but I personally think you've done a lovely job of communicating all the ways a woman can be beautiful on your site. An educated mind, a gentle spirit, a kind heart, modesty, spiritual depth and integrity, a longing for God's will instead of one's own - all these things are aspects of a woman's truest beauty, and they've all been part of your discussion at one point or another. When taken as a part of that whole, I can't see why a commentary on giving attention to one's physical appearance should receive such a reaction. I think making ourselves beautiful on the inside AND outside is perfectly appropriate, so long as we don't let the one distract us from the other... and I certainly don't see that a case can be made for accusing you of promoting that. Anyway, great discussions and great blog!

Felicity said...

Hi Christine,

It seems you thought I was saying you were vain the other day........I wasn't. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. Sorry if I have........

I was making a comment prompted by reading other blogs linked to 1000/5000 words such as Nixters and now yours where there's lots of talk about looks.

I wanted to make the point that constant discussion about appearence encourages vanity.

I don't have the answers of how to take care of yourself while guarding your heart against vainity. But I think it's a fine line.

CraigS said...

I wanted to make the point that constant discussion about appearence encourages vanity.

I don't think it's been constant though Felicity, it has just been the theme of the last couple of weeks. Blogs tend to go through periods where a single topic is discussed.

But I think this is a bit of a taboo subject for convservative evangelicals. I think it's good to have it out in the open to talk about it all frankly.

Nixter said...

Felicity, I agree with Craig. That is the first time I have ever written on the issue, and I guess the point that I was writing wasn't about 'looks' but more about where our identity lies. I guess those posts make people think and thus other discussions start.

mike said...

Huzzah have we have reached some sort of understanding :)

Dani?

Anonymous said...

I really appreciate relationship advice from someone who has never met her boyfriend.

ckhnat said...

lol! you should have read my relationship advice from when i didn't have a boyfriend!