Friday, March 03, 2006

i'll puncture your head and suck your brains out

As a Senior in college, I played the role of Miss Spider from James and the Giant Peach. Ah, fond memories ... rolling about a psychadellic stage, screaming frantically as the peach "plunged" to the sea below, glaring hungrily at James who was never sure if I was going to eat him, etc.


ckhnat said...

Spider: [eating the peach] Mmmmm. Better than ladybugs.
Ladybug: What?
Spider: Excuse me.

Earthworm: It's not dirt...
[takes a bite of the peach]
Earthworm: But it's not bad.

The Grasshopper: He's committed pesticide!

[on his experience of the world]
Centipede: I did live between two pages of The National Geographic. Very informative magazine, the National Geographic. Lots of nice pictures.

Centipede: Why don't skeletons play music in church? Because they got no organs.

Earthworm: The sun's so hot! I'm roasted!

Earthworm: She won't be coming down here with the spray. She'll be coming down here with a shovel. It happened to m' brother. Split him right down the middle. Now I have two half-brothers.

James: Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where the Empire State Building is?
Hard Hat Man: You're on top of it, kid.

James: I can't remember what fun is for.

Grasshopper: This is an outrage! You are a disgrace to your Phylum, Order, Class, Genus and Spe...
Centipede: Say it in English!
Grasshopper: YOU, sir, are an ASS!

Centipede: Time to go make a pest of myself!

[Spiker and Sponge are outside the peach, looking for James]
Aunt Spiker: Where are you? You little worm!
Earthworm: AAAHHHHHH!
James: Not you, ME!

James: Whenever I had a problem, my parents told me to look at it another way.
Earthworm: *How*? First, I was bird bait, and then I was *shark* bait.
James: That's true, but you could say that you gave us wings to fly, and that you defeated a giant shark single-handedly.
Earthworm: No-handedly.
James: You're a hero.
Earthworm: I am. I'm Wonderworm!

[the bugs and James have landed in the ocean]
Spider: We are in, what you call, the Big Puddle.

Aunt Sponge: We sent you out here to kill a spider!
Aunt Spiker: Not to laze about.
James: I wasn't lazing about, I tripped.
Aunt Sponge: How dare you disagree with us!

Aunt Sponge: I look and smell, I do declare, as lovely as a rose. Just feast your eyes upon my face, observe my shapely nose. Behold my heavenly silky locks, and if I take off both my socks, you'll see my dainty toes.
Aunt Spiker: But don't forget, my dearest Sponge, how much your tummy shows!

James: What are they?
Old Man: Crocodile tongues.
James: Tongues?
Old Man: Long, slimy crocodile tongues boiled in the skull of a dead witch for 40 days and 40 nights. And, the gizard of a pig, the fingers of a young monkey, the beak of a parrot and three spoonfuls of sugar, and then, let the moon do the rest.

Spider: We are in the middle of the, how do you say, the big puddle.
Centipede: Biggest puddle of 'em all, angel fangs - the Atlantic Ocean.
Old Green Grasshopper: Technically, the Pacific is the biggest.
Centipede: Well, that goes without saying.

Centipede: I've sailed all the five seas. From the land of Bora Bora to the icy shores of Tripoli. Commodore Centipede, they used to call me.
Grasshopper: Seven.
Centipede: Huh?
Grasshopper: There are seven seas, and Tripoli is in the Sub-Tropics, Commodore!

Centipede: Trim the sails!
Ladybug: There are no sails.
Centipede: Start the engines!
Earthworm: There are no engines.
Centipede: I can't work with this miserable crew!

[Gazing at the giant peach]
Aunt Sponge: It smells delicious!
Aunt Spiker: No! It smells like money.

Earthworm: We gotta get out of here. We'll be turned into living statues.
Grasshopper: *Dead* living statues!

Centipede: Holy shipwreck!

Miss Spider: Centipede I do not know whether to kill you or kiss you.

Grasshopper: [singing] For dinner on my birthday, shall I tell you what I chose? Hot noodles made from poodles on a slice of garden hose/And a rather smelly jelly made from armadillo's toes/The jelly is delicious, but you have to hold your nose!

Ladybug: I crave the tasty tentacles of octopi for tea/I like hot dogs, but I love hot frogs, and surely you'll agree/A plate of soil with engine oil is a super recipe. I hardy need to mention that it's practically free!

Centipede: I'm crazy about mosquitoes on a piece of buttered toast/And pickled spines of porcupines and a great big roast!/And dragon's flesh, quite old, not fresh, it costs a buck at most!
Glowworm: Does it come with gravy?
Centipede: It comes to you in barrels if you order it by post!

[in the darkness]
Earthworm: [Centipede pinches him] Ow! What was that?
Centipede: Sorry, I thought you were the spider.
Grasshopper: [Miss Spider hits him] Ouch. What was *that*?
Miss Spider: Excuse, I thought you were the Centipede.

Old Green Grasshopper: Oh this is all my fault.
Earthworm: Hey don't take all the credit, I helped too!

Aunt Spiker: [Swatting a butterfly] Ew, wouldn't want one of those nesting in your knickers.

Centipede: Hey, Glowworm, how 'bout some light?
Glowworm: I can't hear you. I'll have to put my light on.
[the compass is lost during a storm]

Grasshopper: We'll be blown off course!
Centipede: We'll wind up in Jersey!

Miss Spider: No one will be eating you James.
Centipede: Naw, she'll just puncture your head and suck out the brains.
Miss Spider: That I am saving for you.

Centipede: We're not lost.
Grasshopper: Then where are we?
Centipede: Somewhere up north. Or, possibly, very far south.
Grasshopper: What's your latitude? What's your longitude?
Centipede: Hey, hey, hey! That's personal, bud!

[everyone is discussing how to get the peach to New York]
James: We could... No, it's stupid.
Grasshopper: Compared to what?
James: Well, I suppose we could fly out.
Centipede: He's right. It's stupid.

Earthworm: Great! We'll be stuck here until we starve and die.
The Grasshopper: Highly improbable. We are far more likely to drown.
Ladybug: Well, that's encouraging.

Centipede: [to metal shark] Teach you to mess with me, you overgrown sardine! I'm from Brooklyn!

The Grasshopper: No-one is going to squoosh you, old boy. You're six feet long now.
Earthworm: Bigger targets.

[the centipede is being stretched out by the pirates; one approaches with an axe]
Centipede: It's Paul Bunyan. He's come to cut me some slack. Hey, aiming a little low, aren't you, buddy? He's going to cut me in half!

-mike- said...

I love that movie.

Alex & Laura Beth said...

Didn't know it was a play...

ckhnat said...

It's not. ... well, it wasn't ... a Speech Major friend of mine turned a portion of the book into a script.

ckhnat said...

the above quotes are from the movie.

Anonymous said...

Didn't you end up eating that kid after all?

ckhnat said...

only after he told me that he wanted to be my son-in-law.

Kyle Foley said...

ich bin zu deinem blog neu - ich bin sicher if i were to read through i would find the answer aber was sind die grĂ¼nde that you are upset with feminismus' new trends?

Kyle Foley said...

"Read the card."

"'From: the man who loves you most in the whole world' ... Ah! They're from your dad, aren't they?"

What was I thinking?!! ... Even complete strangers knew that there was no way that I could have a secret lover back in Argentina.

Thank you, Daddy, for all the lovely flowers over the past 2 and 1/3 decades. Your thoughtfulness, and unfailing, unconditional love are more than I could ever dream of. Because of you, I have an amazing picture of my own Heavenly Father.

how sweet - don't i wish i had a daughter - 2 and 1/3 and yet 233 was once my favorite number

CraigS said...
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CraigS said...
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mike said...

That Kyle guy is scaring me... he should leave you alone. hmmmph. Love you :)